Enola

I have never felt so completely alone in my life.

This feeling is crushing me.
Eating me up, swallowing me whole.

No one will answer to my subtle cries of despair.
I don't want to seem desperate...
But I am desperate for their compassion.

I just want to feel like people enjoy me
and wantto be around me,
and be there for me.

The good, the bad, and the sickly.

My motor is running on four and a half hours of sleep.
And I cannot sleep.
My tonsils feel like they're steadily inflating inside my throat,
Crushing the ability to swallow, laugh, or speak.
Like cutting me off from all verbal communication.

So. There are three guys I am currently talking to:

1) Greens aka Sweettalker aka Billy Gene:
I spent a good hour of the night whispering on the phone
to a guy I made out with at the Electric Daisy Carnival,
dubbed 'Greens' aka Billy Gene.
He says he falls fast and hard, like a brick off a building.
And I believe him: he already wants to come down here
and give me money to get there and back just to spend time with me.
He's had a pretty fascinating life so far.. he told me just about all of it tonight
while I was helping him down from his high.


2) Dimitri aka the Greek God:
I met this smooth operator at work one day. He walked in and my jaw almost hit the floor!
This boy is fiiiiiine. I had to talk to him, help him, do something!
So I did, I helped him for a solid fifteen minutes,
which is a relatively long time to handle one customer's needs..
When Claudia started yelling for me which her squeaky voice,
he asked "Does she need you? Cause I can wait.."
and I shook my head and said, "No, you're a customer. I've got to help you."
So he smiled, and said "Oh. So does that mean that if
I asked foryour number... you'd have to give it to me?"
I was shocked!
This gorgeous guy I'd been helping for the past 15 mins
actually asked for my number?!
So I gave it to him and since we've been on one date.
And all I can think about is his hot body, gorgeous eyes, sense of humor....
and his favorite book. THE OUTSIDERS. <3
Oh, note to self: potential lack of self-esteem with this one?
Everytime I compliment him, he can't take it. Note.

And last, but definitely not least...

3) Matty G. aka Pac Matt:
This boy and I hit it off fromt he start. I had heard that PacSun had hired two new people,
and when Fred introduced me to Matt
he seemed like the all American Beach Boy.
Shaggy brown hair, an awesome tan, and an AMAZING smile.
What's more? I GOT TO TRAIN THIS STUDMUFFIN!
So we hit it off, same sense of humor, same jokes.
And we had worked together only three times after,
and he asked for my number.
He took me out to dinner, and I really had the best date ever.
A real southern gentleman. :] And to thank him for it I gave him
the best head of his life. ;D Awww and he's kind of a virgin!
I mean he could get any girl he wants but
he's only had a couple of gfs and both cheated on him.
Sadly, I'm trying not to get too attatched because
he's leaving in August to go back to school in TN....
but Rocki says he thinks I'm amazing.
I mean, he's told me this too... but c'mon me? Amazing?
Idk... and now lately he never seems to want to talk
or hang out or anything... I don't know why
because he was infatuated with me for a good week or so...
Oh well. We'll see what happens. :]

I've got a minor case of tonsillitis so I'm going back to bed.

...this is the longest blog I've had for awhile.


Oh. PS to self. EDC WAS THE SHIT!!

A Little Bit Bitter

Go ahead.
Go get on your best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, it hurts a little.
Just a little sting.
Why?
CAUSE I FUCKING KNEW IT.
I TOLD YOU I DID.
AND YOU DENIED IT.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
So go ahead!
She'll never treat you like I did.
She'll never treat you like I did.

Life Update

I broke up with Billy on the night of Battle of the Bands.
I didn't even really cry. I felt and still feel so relieved, even though he's talking shit and writing blogs about how hard this is for him. Secretly, this wasn't hard for me at all. However, the relationship itself was hard for me. So hard. I had to deal with a lot of shit.

Now there's Matt. I think I made the mistake of having sex with him too soon...
But I do really care about him. I spend all of my free time with him, like a boyfriend. He treats me right, like a girlfriend. We go on dates, like we're together. My parents like him, so far my friends like him... I don't know what could go wrong. He said he understood that I'm just not ready to be in a relationship yet...and he STILL likes to treat me as good as he does. He's an amazing being and I actually think I might love him. But he already says he's in love with me, and you know how big that is for me.. And now I'm worried I am going to feel trapped in a relationship. Not just with him, but with anyone.

I'm not sure if I would feel trapped by him, or by anyone for that matter.

I've been stressing out about this just as much as I've been stressing about finals. :(

Recent secrets

Storming

I yearn for simplicity;
Complexity is what I get instead.

I've got an emotional heart,
Paired with a logical head.

How I Feel Through PostSecrets

All My Guy Friends Like Me, Like Me

Sometimes I hate being friends with boys.

Every guy I get close to ends up having feelings for me.

I mean
I'm not that fantastic!

Why can't I just find some guys who are
completely utterly uninterested?

NO.

I don't want this hot/cold shit:

hot!
cold.
hot!
cold.
cold.
hot!

NO,

I don't want that.

I want something
hot
hot
HOT!

and if I can't have that...
I'd rather have
nothing
nothing
NOTHING.

Disappointment

Well I'm glad to find out through
the grapevine
that you're still alive

...but now I know that
you have not tried
to contact me at all.

Even though I have tried
countless times
to talk to you.

Some friend you are.

Gone

What does it mean
when the
excitement
is
gone?

Good Talk, Good Talk

Last night I hung out with Felizia and we made cinnamon rolls and watched half of hairspray before a series of nerve-wrecking incidents occurred. I started getting down about Billy not calling me after work like he said he would and that he was at a bonfire instead. When Felizia started seeing me get down she just looked at me and was like 'Don't let Billy get you down. He's not worth it.' And inside my head.. I know this. I KNOW he nor anything he does, is worth getting upset over.. but my heart still gets hurt every time he doesn't call me when he says he does, or when I find out things he didn't (and won't plan on) telling me. I can't help it- it's because I love him.

However, I don't feel that I'm in love with him any longer. I'm just not. If you asked me 'Does Billy love you?' I honestly wouldn't know how to answer that question; this pushes me away. I am not sure if I really want to be with someone who obviously (judging by his actions) doesn't appreciate me or really doesn't care about what we are as a couple.. I want someone who cares! I want someone who is there for me, someone who does things for me just because they want to, I want someone to take care of me for once, instead of it always being the other way around. I mean, hello I basically cater to Billy's every waking need. I drive him places, buy him food, take care of him, carry his books when he doesn't feel well (PLUS my own!) and I help him do his homework and help him with whatever he needs. And he doesn't care.

HotCold

Hold&Cold. Cold&Hot.
One is in love
While the other is not.
One minute, interested.
The next, detested.
Please pick a side!
Just one to reside!
Please, just please,
Do this for me.
Would I truly be missed?
Would other lips be kissed?
Does it matter to you?
Is this fool's love or true?
Tell me now, let me know.
Or I will be sure to go...
Knowing that it's always going to be

Hot&Cold between you and me.

'The Crossing' by Bill Viola
Video/Sound Instillation

Bestie

Felizia has grown to become one of my very best friends. I can sincerely talk to her about anything at all and I know that she will give me honest advice to HELP me but she will also let me know if and when I've crossed a line.

We had a really awesome talk tonight.

She let me know that she feels that Billy can be an asshole. And that because I know this, it sometimes bothers me because I know that I don't deserve that. She told me I deserve to be happy and have someone who can always make me happy, not just someone who is happy when the times are good.. She says that I deserve that short-term dating experience I've never had because there is just nothing like those first-date jitters and all the butterflies it gives. she agreed with me on the whole Mel and Billy txting thing is not only a little strange, but crosses the line in terms of her job completely and utterly. And because this is not the first time she's done this, she is well aware of it. She reassured me on a lot of things that I've been feeling- like that if Billy and I are fighting like we're together we might as well be because at least we'll get the pros of being together and not just the cons. And if we get back together and things don't work out then maybe our separate ways are in order.

Idk, I just know I really need to talk to him about this because if I don't, thing will never get any better.

I'm so glad I can talk to someone as awesome as Felizia, she's really someone I hope I can learn from and I value every second I spend talking to her. And she makes me laugh like no other!

Thanks girl, you're my rock.

Steps

I'm going to try my hardest not to put myself down.
I'm going to start seeing a therapist/psychologist.
I'm going to try and calm down, relax, and think logically before I get upset.
I'm going to try very hard not to be the jealous person I tend to be.
I'm going to continue to focus on school and work.

I'm going to better myself!

Weird?

Is it not weird to text message a manager? I mean, if you were asked who you were txting and you said 'my manager from work,' people would think it was weird, right? I think it's weird. Idk maybe I'm just a stupid selfish bitch (which is probably the case)...but for some reason it's completely okay to do on other people's behalves.

I hate that I get jealous a lot. HATE it. I'm such a downer all the time, and I just know it's going to push Billy away sooner or later.

BUTHELLO!
How the hell am I supposed to not act jealous when girls flirt with him and vice-versa when we still ACT like we're TOGETHER?! Like wtf? I don't know.

I hate myself.


PS-- How is it that I'm only happy when I'm working and/or at school? Those are the things people usually dislike in their lives, and their extracurricular activities are the things people enjoy most. Sadly, I'm part of the minority in this statistic. I love work and school, simply because I feel wanted...I feel like I'm needed and that I do a good job and am somewhat recognized for it. Outside of that... I feel frustrated and unappreciated constantly and nothing ever really keeps me smiling for long..

My Prince

I want to find my prince, not just another one of these:

lolz.

Sweet Nothings

'Classifieds' by Laura Blomgren

I want a loyal person
who will be steadfast
I want a dedicated person
who will want to make this last
I want a sensitive person
who holds me in their arms
I want to feel that this person
will protect me from harm
I want this special person
to love me for what I am
I want this one, single person
to make me as happy as a clam.


-------------


'The Nicest Thing' by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favorite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something.


-------------


Ah gosh. I wish I could just not be such a hopeless romantic...
It would just make my life much, much easier.
Then again, there's a lot of things I wish I could do
to change myself.

Oh well.

What I want.

What I want:

-a REAL best friend.
-more friends.
-a couple cute dresses.
-a couple CDs.
-to be friends with denielle again.
-to have girls' night outings.
-to have guys friends that DON'T have a crush on me.
-to have adventures.
-to make more money.
-to be appreciated.
-to go dancing!
-to learn to sing or play the guitar/piano.
-to get fit.



probably more to come. :)

Set Up For A Letdown

Hah. So Billy came over tonight. We talked, had leftover pizza, discussed work and his stressing over selling his tickets.

The story:
Billy signed a contract for his band saying that they had to sell 60 tickets ($12 each, $720 total) or they couldn't play at the The Dreaming's CD Release party. Austin (guitarist) calls the Whiskey A Go Go and tells them it's too had to sell tickets. BAD IDEA! They told him that either you sell them or you owe them the money and they could take Billy to court. Hmmm. So Billy got furious because no one except him has ever had to sell tickets and that if his bandmates/friends didn't pull through for him this once, he wouldn't be their friends anymore. "Fuck them! I won't take this shit, I won't let them walk all over me anymore." he said, and for once... I thought I saw him standing his ground.

I was happy to hear him stand his ground. I mean, he's NEVER stood his ground with Robby. Ever. Like seriously, he's a real pushover to this jerk. And I don't see why. So this time it actually seemed like he would and I was happy for him (I mean it was about time!).

But tonight he missed a call from Robby and called him back, I was fine with it- I thought it would be a short convo since Billy was apparently "mad" at him. But no. Half an hour later goes by and I'm sitting there freezing my ass off in his car, listening to Robby spoon-feed Billy all flavors of bullshit. THEN he asks Billy if he's going to Winter Ball (for PD, mind you. And he had told me he wasn't going and didn't care about it) .....and he says 'Yeah.'

Hahaha. Wow. This kind of irritated me cause we'd talked about it and I guess I got the idea he wasn't going to go. I mean, I feel like going to a dance AFTER you graduate high school is one thing (one immature and useless thing) but going to a dance for a school you NEVER went to AND have already graduated...is a complete other. Not to mention when you're short on cash (a ticket is $30. Plus an outfit +/- $60. Plus food +/- $15.)...

I don't know. I guess I had hope that he was maturing a little more, getting his priorities on track. One of the main reasons I took a break with Billy is cause I felt like he needed to mature a little, so I guess when I thought I saw that little spark of him maturing... well I got excited. And now he's going back to his old ways of letting his friends walk all over him and not standing his ground with Robby.

It's just kinda disappointing.