NO.

I don't want this hot/cold shit:

hot!
cold.
hot!
cold.
cold.
hot!

NO,

I don't want that.

I want something
hot
hot
HOT!

and if I can't have that...
I'd rather have
nothing
nothing
NOTHING.

Disappointment

Well I'm glad to find out through
the grapevine
that you're still alive

...but now I know that
you have not tried
to contact me at all.

Even though I have tried
countless times
to talk to you.

Some friend you are.

Gone

What does it mean
when the
excitement
is
gone?

Good Talk, Good Talk

Last night I hung out with Felizia and we made cinnamon rolls and watched half of hairspray before a series of nerve-wrecking incidents occurred. I started getting down about Billy not calling me after work like he said he would and that he was at a bonfire instead. When Felizia started seeing me get down she just looked at me and was like 'Don't let Billy get you down. He's not worth it.' And inside my head.. I know this. I KNOW he nor anything he does, is worth getting upset over.. but my heart still gets hurt every time he doesn't call me when he says he does, or when I find out things he didn't (and won't plan on) telling me. I can't help it- it's because I love him.

However, I don't feel that I'm in love with him any longer. I'm just not. If you asked me 'Does Billy love you?' I honestly wouldn't know how to answer that question; this pushes me away. I am not sure if I really want to be with someone who obviously (judging by his actions) doesn't appreciate me or really doesn't care about what we are as a couple.. I want someone who cares! I want someone who is there for me, someone who does things for me just because they want to, I want someone to take care of me for once, instead of it always being the other way around. I mean, hello I basically cater to Billy's every waking need. I drive him places, buy him food, take care of him, carry his books when he doesn't feel well (PLUS my own!) and I help him do his homework and help him with whatever he needs. And he doesn't care.

HotCold

Hold&Cold. Cold&Hot.
One is in love
While the other is not.
One minute, interested.
The next, detested.
Please pick a side!
Just one to reside!
Please, just please,
Do this for me.
Would I truly be missed?
Would other lips be kissed?
Does it matter to you?
Is this fool's love or true?
Tell me now, let me know.
Or I will be sure to go...
Knowing that it's always going to be

Hot&Cold between you and me.

'The Crossing' by Bill Viola
Video/Sound Instillation

Bestie

Felizia has grown to become one of my very best friends. I can sincerely talk to her about anything at all and I know that she will give me honest advice to HELP me but she will also let me know if and when I've crossed a line.

We had a really awesome talk tonight.

She let me know that she feels that Billy can be an asshole. And that because I know this, it sometimes bothers me because I know that I don't deserve that. She told me I deserve to be happy and have someone who can always make me happy, not just someone who is happy when the times are good.. She says that I deserve that short-term dating experience I've never had because there is just nothing like those first-date jitters and all the butterflies it gives. she agreed with me on the whole Mel and Billy txting thing is not only a little strange, but crosses the line in terms of her job completely and utterly. And because this is not the first time she's done this, she is well aware of it. She reassured me on a lot of things that I've been feeling- like that if Billy and I are fighting like we're together we might as well be because at least we'll get the pros of being together and not just the cons. And if we get back together and things don't work out then maybe our separate ways are in order.

Idk, I just know I really need to talk to him about this because if I don't, thing will never get any better.

I'm so glad I can talk to someone as awesome as Felizia, she's really someone I hope I can learn from and I value every second I spend talking to her. And she makes me laugh like no other!

Thanks girl, you're my rock.

Steps

I'm going to try my hardest not to put myself down.
I'm going to start seeing a therapist/psychologist.
I'm going to try and calm down, relax, and think logically before I get upset.
I'm going to try very hard not to be the jealous person I tend to be.
I'm going to continue to focus on school and work.

I'm going to better myself!

Weird?

Is it not weird to text message a manager? I mean, if you were asked who you were txting and you said 'my manager from work,' people would think it was weird, right? I think it's weird. Idk maybe I'm just a stupid selfish bitch (which is probably the case)...but for some reason it's completely okay to do on other people's behalves.

I hate that I get jealous a lot. HATE it. I'm such a downer all the time, and I just know it's going to push Billy away sooner or later.

BUTHELLO!
How the hell am I supposed to not act jealous when girls flirt with him and vice-versa when we still ACT like we're TOGETHER?! Like wtf? I don't know.

I hate myself.


PS-- How is it that I'm only happy when I'm working and/or at school? Those are the things people usually dislike in their lives, and their extracurricular activities are the things people enjoy most. Sadly, I'm part of the minority in this statistic. I love work and school, simply because I feel wanted...I feel like I'm needed and that I do a good job and am somewhat recognized for it. Outside of that... I feel frustrated and unappreciated constantly and nothing ever really keeps me smiling for long..

My Prince

I want to find my prince, not just another one of these:

lolz.

Sweet Nothings

'Classifieds' by Laura Blomgren

I want a loyal person
who will be steadfast
I want a dedicated person
who will want to make this last
I want a sensitive person
who holds me in their arms
I want to feel that this person
will protect me from harm
I want this special person
to love me for what I am
I want this one, single person
to make me as happy as a clam.


-------------


'The Nicest Thing' by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favorite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something.


-------------


Ah gosh. I wish I could just not be such a hopeless romantic...
It would just make my life much, much easier.
Then again, there's a lot of things I wish I could do
to change myself.

Oh well.