PostSecret Secrets from me

I miss you. I miss our relationship (for the most part).
But I don't think it would work out between us if you
became a touring musician.

I don't want to be with him... I wish I did.

My best friend told me this today:
'Even if you had sex with another guy, I don't think he'd break up with you.'
That scares me because it feels like there is no escape.

I hate SO much about you!

I keep all of my pictures from all of my ex boyfriends
not because I'm not over them,
but simply because I want to remember my life
as fully as I possibly can.

You're holding me back.

I slept with the boy you're in love with only because I loved him first.

Eerie timing

So after writing that last blog I sent it to Fayrn via MySpace message and lie here, surfing the space and watching VH1's Jump Start, which features new and popular music videos... a song I have never listened to by a female artist I have never heard of came on, and I found myself connecting DIRECTLY to this song's lyrics. Like, more than any other song I've heard yet. Here are the lyrics, and a video of it to watch/hear.

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood"

Bad News

I really, truly hate writing down realizations I come across (if they're unfortunate ones) because once you put them onto paper, or type them out, it becomes tangible... it becomes real and true. It's something you can be blamed for saying or writing, you can't be blamed for thinking many things so simply thinking something avoids that entire conflict. But..

I think Travis and I fight so much not because I want to..

But I think I resent this relationship.

I am lonely. Have no friends (besides Miss Faryn and I thank my lucky stars for her everyday!) because I have stopped hanging out with all of them since meeting Travis. And I can't drink or smoke or go places(raves!) or hang out with friends- all of these things I love to do... I can't and don't do anymore because of Travis.

In Psychologist speak, 'I'm "acting out" because I feel repressed by Travis and his unwillingness to do anything social.'

Wow. This sucks.

I do love him.
But what am I supposed to do?

Tell him and suffer the wrath of Travis?
Tell him, end it, and hope he sticks around?
Tell him, end it, and watch him not let this go/not take it seriously?

Or don't tell him, don't end it, and keep fighting day after day.

I don't know what's worse.


Good news! I figured out what's wrong.
Bad news! I have to make a big decision.