Reflecting love

There are certain songs that kind of defined the relationships I was with and who showed them to me and why I still listen to them from time to time:

'Wonderwall' by Oasis- Alex Harrington, because he covered it for me
'Wonderwall' cover by Cartel- Billy because he loved it because I did
'The Minstrel's Prayer' by Cartel- Alex, cause he loved Cartel
'I'm Yours' by Jason Mraz- Travis, he's the only one I thought of when this song came out
'Cannonball' by Damien Rice- Alex, he covered this one too.
'Atmosphere' by John Mayer- Billy, because it talks about LA and how he loves this girl but wants to see her and avoid her at the same time. That's got Billy written all over it.
Anything by The Fray- Alex. Because I think I fell in love with him to a song by The Fray.
Especially 'Look After You' by The Fray, Alex asked me out with this song. God I want to cry just thinking about it.

This is fun, I'll add more later.

Now that I am on this reflecting spree and am completely and utterly awake, I've always thought about the certain things that I miss and liked from my old relationships and old loves/crushes, and with each new one I continue to try and find the one person that does them all..

Randy Yard- Oh my god I had to go and add him in after I posted this blog once. Shame on me! Randy was the first guy I really liked in high school. We never went out and I'm not even sure how we met.. maybe it was through Ashley or something. I don't remember.. I just know that I really liked Randy frosh year, but we never got together because we just were both so busy with everything. But...I adore Randy. Even to this day I just think he's one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted guys I've ever known. We've always kept in touch, even if it was just a hello now and then or a short IM conversation.. but he's always just been there and was there to talk if I wanted, or to visit while he was in the area just to say hello. Over the summer things got really intimate between us and I really started to fall for him but he was leaving for college. Oh I even remember how he asked me out over the summer. I used my discount at work to buy him some shirts and he said that he would wear one of the shirts when he took me out to dinner. And I jokingly asked 'Are you asking me out on a date, Randy?' and he just looked at me, smiled, and said yes. And I told him yes back. So we went out on our first date in like, four years. Heh. El Paseo always makes me think of him, too. One night he called and said he wanted to hang out, so we decided just to walk up and down El Paseo and window-shop and talk. There was a point at which he grabbed me and hungged me, and we just stood there in each other's arms for so long that an old couple came up to us and said we'd been standing so still for so long they thought we were statues. Haha. It was sweet, such a good moment. Did I mention I think he's GORGEOUS?! Oh my god, a Justin Timberlake lookalike. But we had sex over the summer, and I just remember thinking 'God you've grown up!' He's a sweet, very intimate and lovable guy. He's always been there for me, and any girl who gets this bi-polar, vegan, Justin Timberlake lookalike, sweetie will be very lucky.

Zak- I don't really remember much of my relationship with him, to be honest.

Alex- He did the little things. Maybe because he was little. Haha just joking. Anyways, he was the picture-drawer, poem-writer, cute thing-txter, mix cd-maker.. I LOVEDDDD those things. Also, he always had certain songs playing for certain moods, or to show or tell me something at that point in time. That was so clever and I loved it everytime. We sent each other songs and lyrics and music videos all the time, and no one else has ever done that. He was really quite thoughtful, and when he was sweet...he was Cavalier. He also had SUCH good taste in music, I learned a new band and loved them all the time. He was active, too- he liked to go and do things just as much as he liked to chill at home. Oh, and he was kind of a nerd. SO CUTE! He loved anime and most things Japanese. His family loved me just as much as they loved him, too. To be honest there were a lot of things I loved about Alex... I mean he was my first love, but it was the big things that just didn't work out.

Daniel- Though I may never admit it to anyone at all, I had the biggest crush on Daniel since I got to know him soph year. He's loud and obnoxious and vulgar and for some reason I just loved it. It was hilarious and kind of a turn on. Oh and he was a total adrenaline junkie, which is kinda hot in it's own way too.

Billy- This boy is pretty much just a free spirit. That's what drew me away from Alex's controling ways and got me into his arms. He could always make me smile with his goofiness and smile, I couldn't help but fall heartfirst for this guy. He got me into KsE which I thank him for. But Billy had never been with anyone like me, and I don't know if he was ready to when we got together. But I liked that Billy was carefree, fun, and partied from time to time. He was really openminded, too. I mean, this boy watched and read anime and pokemon with me. Haha. He went to concerts with me, raves, whatever I wanted to do... he was there. But I think that's what got too overwhelming for me- his spirit was so free that I felt like his love for me would always come second to everything else that was important at the time.

Zac- I almost forgot Zac too! Shoot. I had such a fattie crush on this boy, but to be honest when it got down to being physical with him, I just couldn't dig it anymore. I really liked him because he'd been there for me through Alex, and then Billy. He'd always been such a good friend and would just hang out with me and watch movies and talk about life and draw pictures.. just a really good guy. A good friend. He was really sweet, too. I also liked that he was artsy- he was an aspiring photographer. I loved that.

Matt Musselwhite- Okay so Matt was never officially my boyfriend, but we were together enough you could have called it that. I fell for Matt's humor. It's so cheesy but it totally drew me in- he was sarcastic but not mean and he was always on par with making me laugh with words and rediculous stuff. He was always a pretty deep thinker and writer, which I love. After we stopped dating, he printed out some of the blogs that he had written for/about me, and I cried the first time I read them. They were lyrical, beautiful, thoughtful. He loved good music, too and went to concerts with me and was outgoing and confident in the music scene. It was tight. Oh not to mention he was on the radio, and told everyone that I was more attractive than Eva Longoria live on the radio. Hell yeah.

Matt uhhhh OTHER Matt- He was just hot and goofy and had a nice tan and GORGEOUS teeth and liked to drink beer. I fell for him fast but it was short-term.

Shane- Shane was intriguing because he was new in town, came right in and asked for an interview and I recognized him and gave him my number when he asked. And one day after talking to me, he sent me flowers to my work cause I told him I was having a bad night. He was BALLSY. I think I loved that- he's not the best looking guy, but when it comes to girls he's confident and will do a lot to show the girl he likes that it's her and only her. He was a chill guy, too and I loved the fact that I could just hang out and drink with him and his friends. He would smoke pot with me too, and that was a blast.

Travis- Well right away from the day I walked into Pavillions, I saw Travis and just thought he was super hot. I guess what drew me in about Travis (besides his looks) is that he is intelligent about the world he lives it, he's not really ignorant about the world around him. I love a smart guy. He's also really confident, which of course is a turn-on. But my first date with Travis was wonderful. We saw a good movie, and he paid for it. He's such a gentleman. But he LOOKS like a badass, which is so hot. I've never gone for a bro before. Always the musicians... but not this time, instead the music-listener. Travis is hot and confident and loving... he's thoughtful and a very hard worker which I really respect. He really wants to spend the rest of his life with me. but I don't know. There's just a lot missing from him, which makes me sad.


It's kind of funny how and why you fall for people. I never really thought about what I loved about each person I liked...but I really hope that one day I can find a guy that is all of these things thatI loved and more.

Unwillingly thoughtful

I really don't want to write the things I'm about to write down, because it will make them tangible and real instead of just 'how I felt at one point in time for a few moments.'

I honestly feel that Billy Hathaway and I will remain a part of each other's lives forever.
I don't want to be with him
ESPECIALLY if he becomes a musician (there will be no loyalty there)
But I just continue to feel like I'm either
a) gonna end up with him,
or b) he's just gonna be there always.

And Randy Yard came into my work today, and my heart could not stop pounding..
Just seeing his smile made me so happy and I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night at work.
I don't know if it's just the fact that I think he's GORGEOUS,
or the fact that I'm just so fond of the guy...
But god damn I just adore him to no end.


Oh. I secretly wish I were single.
Like, I really do love Trav, a whole lot. But I just KNOW he's not the one, you know?
Faryn says that I shouldn't even be with him, and a lot of people say that..
But I don't know.. I feel like I NEED to be.
If we are only meant to be together for so long then so be it.
But I feel like I'm gonna be the girl to save his trust in humanity.