Reflecting love

There are certain songs that kind of defined the relationships I was with and who showed them to me and why I still listen to them from time to time:

'Wonderwall' by Oasis- Alex Harrington, because he covered it for me
'Wonderwall' cover by Cartel- Billy because he loved it because I did
'The Minstrel's Prayer' by Cartel- Alex, cause he loved Cartel
'I'm Yours' by Jason Mraz- Travis, he's the only one I thought of when this song came out
'Cannonball' by Damien Rice- Alex, he covered this one too.
'Atmosphere' by John Mayer- Billy, because it talks about LA and how he loves this girl but wants to see her and avoid her at the same time. That's got Billy written all over it.
Anything by The Fray- Alex. Because I think I fell in love with him to a song by The Fray.
Especially 'Look After You' by The Fray, Alex asked me out with this song. God I want to cry just thinking about it.

This is fun, I'll add more later.

Now that I am on this reflecting spree and am completely and utterly awake, I've always thought about the certain things that I miss and liked from my old relationships and old loves/crushes, and with each new one I continue to try and find the one person that does them all..

Randy Yard- Oh my god I had to go and add him in after I posted this blog once. Shame on me! Randy was the first guy I really liked in high school. We never went out and I'm not even sure how we met.. maybe it was through Ashley or something. I don't remember.. I just know that I really liked Randy frosh year, but we never got together because we just were both so busy with everything. But...I adore Randy. Even to this day I just think he's one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted guys I've ever known. We've always kept in touch, even if it was just a hello now and then or a short IM conversation.. but he's always just been there and was there to talk if I wanted, or to visit while he was in the area just to say hello. Over the summer things got really intimate between us and I really started to fall for him but he was leaving for college. Oh I even remember how he asked me out over the summer. I used my discount at work to buy him some shirts and he said that he would wear one of the shirts when he took me out to dinner. And I jokingly asked 'Are you asking me out on a date, Randy?' and he just looked at me, smiled, and said yes. And I told him yes back. So we went out on our first date in like, four years. Heh. El Paseo always makes me think of him, too. One night he called and said he wanted to hang out, so we decided just to walk up and down El Paseo and window-shop and talk. There was a point at which he grabbed me and hungged me, and we just stood there in each other's arms for so long that an old couple came up to us and said we'd been standing so still for so long they thought we were statues. Haha. It was sweet, such a good moment. Did I mention I think he's GORGEOUS?! Oh my god, a Justin Timberlake lookalike. But we had sex over the summer, and I just remember thinking 'God you've grown up!' He's a sweet, very intimate and lovable guy. He's always been there for me, and any girl who gets this bi-polar, vegan, Justin Timberlake lookalike, sweetie will be very lucky.

Zak- I don't really remember much of my relationship with him, to be honest.

Alex- He did the little things. Maybe because he was little. Haha just joking. Anyways, he was the picture-drawer, poem-writer, cute thing-txter, mix cd-maker.. I LOVEDDDD those things. Also, he always had certain songs playing for certain moods, or to show or tell me something at that point in time. That was so clever and I loved it everytime. We sent each other songs and lyrics and music videos all the time, and no one else has ever done that. He was really quite thoughtful, and when he was sweet...he was Cavalier. He also had SUCH good taste in music, I learned a new band and loved them all the time. He was active, too- he liked to go and do things just as much as he liked to chill at home. Oh, and he was kind of a nerd. SO CUTE! He loved anime and most things Japanese. His family loved me just as much as they loved him, too. To be honest there were a lot of things I loved about Alex... I mean he was my first love, but it was the big things that just didn't work out.

Daniel- Though I may never admit it to anyone at all, I had the biggest crush on Daniel since I got to know him soph year. He's loud and obnoxious and vulgar and for some reason I just loved it. It was hilarious and kind of a turn on. Oh and he was a total adrenaline junkie, which is kinda hot in it's own way too.

Billy- This boy is pretty much just a free spirit. That's what drew me away from Alex's controling ways and got me into his arms. He could always make me smile with his goofiness and smile, I couldn't help but fall heartfirst for this guy. He got me into KsE which I thank him for. But Billy had never been with anyone like me, and I don't know if he was ready to when we got together. But I liked that Billy was carefree, fun, and partied from time to time. He was really openminded, too. I mean, this boy watched and read anime and pokemon with me. Haha. He went to concerts with me, raves, whatever I wanted to do... he was there. But I think that's what got too overwhelming for me- his spirit was so free that I felt like his love for me would always come second to everything else that was important at the time.

Zac- I almost forgot Zac too! Shoot. I had such a fattie crush on this boy, but to be honest when it got down to being physical with him, I just couldn't dig it anymore. I really liked him because he'd been there for me through Alex, and then Billy. He'd always been such a good friend and would just hang out with me and watch movies and talk about life and draw pictures.. just a really good guy. A good friend. He was really sweet, too. I also liked that he was artsy- he was an aspiring photographer. I loved that.

Matt Musselwhite- Okay so Matt was never officially my boyfriend, but we were together enough you could have called it that. I fell for Matt's humor. It's so cheesy but it totally drew me in- he was sarcastic but not mean and he was always on par with making me laugh with words and rediculous stuff. He was always a pretty deep thinker and writer, which I love. After we stopped dating, he printed out some of the blogs that he had written for/about me, and I cried the first time I read them. They were lyrical, beautiful, thoughtful. He loved good music, too and went to concerts with me and was outgoing and confident in the music scene. It was tight. Oh not to mention he was on the radio, and told everyone that I was more attractive than Eva Longoria live on the radio. Hell yeah.

Matt uhhhh OTHER Matt- He was just hot and goofy and had a nice tan and GORGEOUS teeth and liked to drink beer. I fell for him fast but it was short-term.

Shane- Shane was intriguing because he was new in town, came right in and asked for an interview and I recognized him and gave him my number when he asked. And one day after talking to me, he sent me flowers to my work cause I told him I was having a bad night. He was BALLSY. I think I loved that- he's not the best looking guy, but when it comes to girls he's confident and will do a lot to show the girl he likes that it's her and only her. He was a chill guy, too and I loved the fact that I could just hang out and drink with him and his friends. He would smoke pot with me too, and that was a blast.

Travis- Well right away from the day I walked into Pavillions, I saw Travis and just thought he was super hot. I guess what drew me in about Travis (besides his looks) is that he is intelligent about the world he lives it, he's not really ignorant about the world around him. I love a smart guy. He's also really confident, which of course is a turn-on. But my first date with Travis was wonderful. We saw a good movie, and he paid for it. He's such a gentleman. But he LOOKS like a badass, which is so hot. I've never gone for a bro before. Always the musicians... but not this time, instead the music-listener. Travis is hot and confident and loving... he's thoughtful and a very hard worker which I really respect. He really wants to spend the rest of his life with me. but I don't know. There's just a lot missing from him, which makes me sad.


It's kind of funny how and why you fall for people. I never really thought about what I loved about each person I liked...but I really hope that one day I can find a guy that is all of these things thatI loved and more.

Unwillingly thoughtful

I really don't want to write the things I'm about to write down, because it will make them tangible and real instead of just 'how I felt at one point in time for a few moments.'

I honestly feel that Billy Hathaway and I will remain a part of each other's lives forever.
I don't want to be with him
ESPECIALLY if he becomes a musician (there will be no loyalty there)
But I just continue to feel like I'm either
a) gonna end up with him,
or b) he's just gonna be there always.

And Randy Yard came into my work today, and my heart could not stop pounding..
Just seeing his smile made me so happy and I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night at work.
I don't know if it's just the fact that I think he's GORGEOUS,
or the fact that I'm just so fond of the guy...
But god damn I just adore him to no end.


Oh. I secretly wish I were single.
Like, I really do love Trav, a whole lot. But I just KNOW he's not the one, you know?
Faryn says that I shouldn't even be with him, and a lot of people say that..
But I don't know.. I feel like I NEED to be.
If we are only meant to be together for so long then so be it.
But I feel like I'm gonna be the girl to save his trust in humanity.

Powerful

Don't stop believing.


I won't if you won't.


Good. <3

Dear Travis.

You keep constant tabs on me.
You don't believe me when I tell you things.
You constantly question me.
You continuously doubt me.
You talk in a really disrespectful tone to me.

Look. Being with me is a privilege, not a right.

There is a fine line between me caring and me just not giving a shit anymore. You deal with things by flaring your temper. I deal with things by shutting down. I shut down when I'm put under great emotional stress for long or consistent periods of time. It's like going numb- the things you say and do will no longer get under my skin. Sounds pretty good, right? Wrong. With that thicker skin also comes my low tolerance for bullshit, and the quicker I will be to walk away from such things and/or people. Also, I become far less emotional as a whole; happy, sad, mad, you name it. A lot of those emotions I usually display freely instead just dissolve into that same comfortable silence I'll have due to the numbness.

You said you'd be happy to be the one I marry and am with forever. You said I mean more to you than anything in this world. I never want to read these things coming across in a text message ever again until you say this shit in person. Because honestly? I think you pull that stuff out when you're hitting the point of desperation- when you don't know what to say to make something better or just to make it go away.

You wanna say stuff like that? Then prove it to me: Don't ever talk disrespectfully to me again. Show a little more compassion. Don't keep constant tabs on me- you're worse than my parents ever were. Learn to trust me. Learn to be open with me. I'll help you if you want to try- that's why I'm here.

I understand you have trust issues. I understand you get depressed. I understand you don't have anyone else. I understand you 'just like to know what's going on.' I understand you think everyone's out to get you. I understand, I understand, I understand. Trust me, if I wasn't so understanding of all these things I would NOT be with you. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I'm not a slut. I'm not a cheater. I'm not a liar. I'm not a bad person.
This stuff you should already know, but for some goddamn reason it's not getting across.

I don't know what else there is to say.

Flutterbies Butterflies

I think he gives me the butterflies.
They're small and few...


... but I'm pretty sure I can feel them.

I may never admit this to anyone but my dearest friends and my blog..

I do not like Panic! At The Disco...... however
I REALLY LOVE the imagery and the lyrics of this song.
It's the hopeless romantic in me. :]


'When The Day Met The Night' by P!ATD

" When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night

When the sun found the moon
She was drinking tea in a garden
Under the green umbrella trees
In the middle of summer

When the moon found the sun
He looked like he was barely hanging on
But her eyes saved his life
In the middle of summer (summer)

In the middle of summer
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
Summer (summer)
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
Summer, summer, summer, summer
All was golden when the day met the night

So he said, "Would it be all right
If we just sat and talked for a little while
If in exchange for your time
I give you this smile?"

So she said, "That's okay
As long as you can make a promise
Not to break my little heart
Or leave me all alone in the summer."

Well he was just hanging around
Then he fell in love
And he didn't know how
But he couldn't get out
Just hanging around
Then he fell in love

In the middle of summer
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
Summer
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
Summer, summer, summer, summer
When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night"


Shhhhh don't tell. :)

Future plans

I think I just found the poem
I want to give to someone
when I fall for 'the one'
(if there is such thing).

Oh this made my heart flutter!



ONLY YOU by RUMI

Only you
I choose among the entire world.
Is it fair of you
letting me be unhappy?

My heart is a pen in your hand.
It is all up to you
to write me happy or sad.

I see only what you reveal
and live as you say.
All my feelings have the color
you desire to paint.

From the beginning to the end,
no one but you.

Please make my future
better than the past.

When you hide I change
to a Godless person,
and when you appear,
I find my faith.

Don't expect to find
any more in me
than what you give.

Don't search for
hidden pockets because
I've shown you that
all I have is all you gave.

Darkest Night PostSecret

I long for someone
to write something like this
to me one day

<3>

Fuck it.

"Fuck it
I can't take it
You won't make it
I ain't yo bitch
You think that
I will step back
And watch that
Little mind trick"

okay so i can't think of anything else
to rhyme with that odd rhyme scheme..

BUT!

the point of it being that I've made a decision.

LAURA BLOMGREN WILL NOT
CHASE AFTER BOYS
WHO WILL NOT CHASE AFTER HER.

I'm sick of being the one putting in all of the effort and not getting any back.
If I'm trying to hang out with you...
DON'T JUST FUCKING SIT THERE AND IGNORE ME.
That's RUDE and ASSHOLE-ISH.
I'm not going to chase you down like you want me to.
That's for the birds and girls who can't stand to be alone without you.
I'm not like that.
Sure I like you. A little.
But the more and more you ignore me...
the less and less I like you
and the less and less want to spend time with you.

I am far better than the girls you normally go after.
You said so yourself--

"Oh Laura You're amaaaaazing."
"You're so drop dead gorgeous"
"I'm gonna miss you"

BULLSHIT!
WASN'T IT? YOU LITTLE PIECE OF IT!

COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.

Enola

I have never felt so completely alone in my life.

This feeling is crushing me.
Eating me up, swallowing me whole.

No one will answer to my subtle cries of despair.
I don't want to seem desperate...
But I am desperate for their compassion.

I just want to feel like people enjoy me
and wantto be around me,
and be there for me.

The good, the bad, and the sickly.

My motor is running on four and a half hours of sleep.
And I cannot sleep.
My tonsils feel like they're steadily inflating inside my throat,
Crushing the ability to swallow, laugh, or speak.
Like cutting me off from all verbal communication.

So. There are three guys I am currently talking to:

1) Greens aka Sweettalker aka Billy Gene:
I spent a good hour of the night whispering on the phone
to a guy I made out with at the Electric Daisy Carnival,
dubbed 'Greens' aka Billy Gene.
He says he falls fast and hard, like a brick off a building.
And I believe him: he already wants to come down here
and give me money to get there and back just to spend time with me.
He's had a pretty fascinating life so far.. he told me just about all of it tonight
while I was helping him down from his high.


2) Dimitri aka the Greek God:
I met this smooth operator at work one day. He walked in and my jaw almost hit the floor!
This boy is fiiiiiine. I had to talk to him, help him, do something!
So I did, I helped him for a solid fifteen minutes,
which is a relatively long time to handle one customer's needs..
When Claudia started yelling for me which her squeaky voice,
he asked "Does she need you? Cause I can wait.."
and I shook my head and said, "No, you're a customer. I've got to help you."
So he smiled, and said "Oh. So does that mean that if
I asked foryour number... you'd have to give it to me?"
I was shocked!
This gorgeous guy I'd been helping for the past 15 mins
actually asked for my number?!
So I gave it to him and since we've been on one date.
And all I can think about is his hot body, gorgeous eyes, sense of humor....
and his favorite book. THE OUTSIDERS. <3
Oh, note to self: potential lack of self-esteem with this one?
Everytime I compliment him, he can't take it. Note.

And last, but definitely not least...

3) Matty G. aka Pac Matt:
This boy and I hit it off fromt he start. I had heard that PacSun had hired two new people,
and when Fred introduced me to Matt
he seemed like the all American Beach Boy.
Shaggy brown hair, an awesome tan, and an AMAZING smile.
What's more? I GOT TO TRAIN THIS STUDMUFFIN!
So we hit it off, same sense of humor, same jokes.
And we had worked together only three times after,
and he asked for my number.
He took me out to dinner, and I really had the best date ever.
A real southern gentleman. :] And to thank him for it I gave him
the best head of his life. ;D Awww and he's kind of a virgin!
I mean he could get any girl he wants but
he's only had a couple of gfs and both cheated on him.
Sadly, I'm trying not to get too attatched because
he's leaving in August to go back to school in TN....
but Rocki says he thinks I'm amazing.
I mean, he's told me this too... but c'mon me? Amazing?
Idk... and now lately he never seems to want to talk
or hang out or anything... I don't know why
because he was infatuated with me for a good week or so...
Oh well. We'll see what happens. :]

I've got a minor case of tonsillitis so I'm going back to bed.

...this is the longest blog I've had for awhile.


Oh. PS to self. EDC WAS THE SHIT!!

A Little Bit Bitter

Go ahead.
Go get on your best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, it hurts a little.
Just a little sting.
Why?
CAUSE I FUCKING KNEW IT.
I TOLD YOU I DID.
AND YOU DENIED IT.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
So go ahead!
She'll never treat you like I did.
She'll never treat you like I did.

Life Update

I broke up with Billy on the night of Battle of the Bands.
I didn't even really cry. I felt and still feel so relieved, even though he's talking shit and writing blogs about how hard this is for him. Secretly, this wasn't hard for me at all. However, the relationship itself was hard for me. So hard. I had to deal with a lot of shit.

Now there's Matt. I think I made the mistake of having sex with him too soon...
But I do really care about him. I spend all of my free time with him, like a boyfriend. He treats me right, like a girlfriend. We go on dates, like we're together. My parents like him, so far my friends like him... I don't know what could go wrong. He said he understood that I'm just not ready to be in a relationship yet...and he STILL likes to treat me as good as he does. He's an amazing being and I actually think I might love him. But he already says he's in love with me, and you know how big that is for me.. And now I'm worried I am going to feel trapped in a relationship. Not just with him, but with anyone.

I'm not sure if I would feel trapped by him, or by anyone for that matter.

I've been stressing out about this just as much as I've been stressing about finals. :(

Recent secrets

Storming

I yearn for simplicity;
Complexity is what I get instead.

I've got an emotional heart,
Paired with a logical head.

How I Feel Through PostSecrets

All My Guy Friends Like Me, Like Me

Sometimes I hate being friends with boys.

Every guy I get close to ends up having feelings for me.

I mean
I'm not that fantastic!

Why can't I just find some guys who are
completely utterly uninterested?

NO.

I don't want this hot/cold shit:

hot!
cold.
hot!
cold.
cold.
hot!

NO,

I don't want that.

I want something
hot
hot
HOT!

and if I can't have that...
I'd rather have
nothing
nothing
NOTHING.

Disappointment

Well I'm glad to find out through
the grapevine
that you're still alive

...but now I know that
you have not tried
to contact me at all.

Even though I have tried
countless times
to talk to you.

Some friend you are.

Gone

What does it mean
when the
excitement
is
gone?

Good Talk, Good Talk

Last night I hung out with Felizia and we made cinnamon rolls and watched half of hairspray before a series of nerve-wrecking incidents occurred. I started getting down about Billy not calling me after work like he said he would and that he was at a bonfire instead. When Felizia started seeing me get down she just looked at me and was like 'Don't let Billy get you down. He's not worth it.' And inside my head.. I know this. I KNOW he nor anything he does, is worth getting upset over.. but my heart still gets hurt every time he doesn't call me when he says he does, or when I find out things he didn't (and won't plan on) telling me. I can't help it- it's because I love him.

However, I don't feel that I'm in love with him any longer. I'm just not. If you asked me 'Does Billy love you?' I honestly wouldn't know how to answer that question; this pushes me away. I am not sure if I really want to be with someone who obviously (judging by his actions) doesn't appreciate me or really doesn't care about what we are as a couple.. I want someone who cares! I want someone who is there for me, someone who does things for me just because they want to, I want someone to take care of me for once, instead of it always being the other way around. I mean, hello I basically cater to Billy's every waking need. I drive him places, buy him food, take care of him, carry his books when he doesn't feel well (PLUS my own!) and I help him do his homework and help him with whatever he needs. And he doesn't care.

HotCold

Hold&Cold. Cold&Hot.
One is in love
While the other is not.
One minute, interested.
The next, detested.
Please pick a side!
Just one to reside!
Please, just please,
Do this for me.
Would I truly be missed?
Would other lips be kissed?
Does it matter to you?
Is this fool's love or true?
Tell me now, let me know.
Or I will be sure to go...
Knowing that it's always going to be

Hot&Cold between you and me.

'The Crossing' by Bill Viola
Video/Sound Instillation

Bestie

Felizia has grown to become one of my very best friends. I can sincerely talk to her about anything at all and I know that she will give me honest advice to HELP me but she will also let me know if and when I've crossed a line.

We had a really awesome talk tonight.

She let me know that she feels that Billy can be an asshole. And that because I know this, it sometimes bothers me because I know that I don't deserve that. She told me I deserve to be happy and have someone who can always make me happy, not just someone who is happy when the times are good.. She says that I deserve that short-term dating experience I've never had because there is just nothing like those first-date jitters and all the butterflies it gives. she agreed with me on the whole Mel and Billy txting thing is not only a little strange, but crosses the line in terms of her job completely and utterly. And because this is not the first time she's done this, she is well aware of it. She reassured me on a lot of things that I've been feeling- like that if Billy and I are fighting like we're together we might as well be because at least we'll get the pros of being together and not just the cons. And if we get back together and things don't work out then maybe our separate ways are in order.

Idk, I just know I really need to talk to him about this because if I don't, thing will never get any better.

I'm so glad I can talk to someone as awesome as Felizia, she's really someone I hope I can learn from and I value every second I spend talking to her. And she makes me laugh like no other!

Thanks girl, you're my rock.

Steps

I'm going to try my hardest not to put myself down.
I'm going to start seeing a therapist/psychologist.
I'm going to try and calm down, relax, and think logically before I get upset.
I'm going to try very hard not to be the jealous person I tend to be.
I'm going to continue to focus on school and work.

I'm going to better myself!

Weird?

Is it not weird to text message a manager? I mean, if you were asked who you were txting and you said 'my manager from work,' people would think it was weird, right? I think it's weird. Idk maybe I'm just a stupid selfish bitch (which is probably the case)...but for some reason it's completely okay to do on other people's behalves.

I hate that I get jealous a lot. HATE it. I'm such a downer all the time, and I just know it's going to push Billy away sooner or later.

BUTHELLO!
How the hell am I supposed to not act jealous when girls flirt with him and vice-versa when we still ACT like we're TOGETHER?! Like wtf? I don't know.

I hate myself.


PS-- How is it that I'm only happy when I'm working and/or at school? Those are the things people usually dislike in their lives, and their extracurricular activities are the things people enjoy most. Sadly, I'm part of the minority in this statistic. I love work and school, simply because I feel wanted...I feel like I'm needed and that I do a good job and am somewhat recognized for it. Outside of that... I feel frustrated and unappreciated constantly and nothing ever really keeps me smiling for long..

My Prince

I want to find my prince, not just another one of these:

lolz.

Sweet Nothings

'Classifieds' by Laura Blomgren

I want a loyal person
who will be steadfast
I want a dedicated person
who will want to make this last
I want a sensitive person
who holds me in their arms
I want to feel that this person
will protect me from harm
I want this special person
to love me for what I am
I want this one, single person
to make me as happy as a clam.


-------------


'The Nicest Thing' by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favorite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something.


-------------


Ah gosh. I wish I could just not be such a hopeless romantic...
It would just make my life much, much easier.
Then again, there's a lot of things I wish I could do
to change myself.

Oh well.

What I want.

What I want:

-a REAL best friend.
-more friends.
-a couple cute dresses.
-a couple CDs.
-to be friends with denielle again.
-to have girls' night outings.
-to have guys friends that DON'T have a crush on me.
-to have adventures.
-to make more money.
-to be appreciated.
-to go dancing!
-to learn to sing or play the guitar/piano.
-to get fit.



probably more to come. :)

Set Up For A Letdown

Hah. So Billy came over tonight. We talked, had leftover pizza, discussed work and his stressing over selling his tickets.

The story:
Billy signed a contract for his band saying that they had to sell 60 tickets ($12 each, $720 total) or they couldn't play at the The Dreaming's CD Release party. Austin (guitarist) calls the Whiskey A Go Go and tells them it's too had to sell tickets. BAD IDEA! They told him that either you sell them or you owe them the money and they could take Billy to court. Hmmm. So Billy got furious because no one except him has ever had to sell tickets and that if his bandmates/friends didn't pull through for him this once, he wouldn't be their friends anymore. "Fuck them! I won't take this shit, I won't let them walk all over me anymore." he said, and for once... I thought I saw him standing his ground.

I was happy to hear him stand his ground. I mean, he's NEVER stood his ground with Robby. Ever. Like seriously, he's a real pushover to this jerk. And I don't see why. So this time it actually seemed like he would and I was happy for him (I mean it was about time!).

But tonight he missed a call from Robby and called him back, I was fine with it- I thought it would be a short convo since Billy was apparently "mad" at him. But no. Half an hour later goes by and I'm sitting there freezing my ass off in his car, listening to Robby spoon-feed Billy all flavors of bullshit. THEN he asks Billy if he's going to Winter Ball (for PD, mind you. And he had told me he wasn't going and didn't care about it) .....and he says 'Yeah.'

Hahaha. Wow. This kind of irritated me cause we'd talked about it and I guess I got the idea he wasn't going to go. I mean, I feel like going to a dance AFTER you graduate high school is one thing (one immature and useless thing) but going to a dance for a school you NEVER went to AND have already graduated...is a complete other. Not to mention when you're short on cash (a ticket is $30. Plus an outfit +/- $60. Plus food +/- $15.)...

I don't know. I guess I had hope that he was maturing a little more, getting his priorities on track. One of the main reasons I took a break with Billy is cause I felt like he needed to mature a little, so I guess when I thought I saw that little spark of him maturing... well I got excited. And now he's going back to his old ways of letting his friends walk all over him and not standing his ground with Robby.

It's just kinda disappointing.

Hilarious!

HAHAHA!

Guess who? :D
Hahahaha
This always seems to make my day.

Hope?

Up until this point I didn't really think there was much hope left for Billy and I to be together. Ever.

I strongly dislike one of his friends... to the point at which I can't even stand to be around him. That's a lot of dislike coming from me- I have virtually no enemies (for good reason) and I don't hate anyone (also for good reason)...so when I don't like someone to such a degree...it is ALWAYS FOR. GOOD. REASON.

I could write a book about this person and about how I loathe his representation of himself as a person and everything he stands for.. and how often he had taken advantage of, disrespected, and been mean to me. But what good would it do?

Anyhow. A friend of mine today kind of 'showed me the light' so to speak- I have two choices in this situation with Billy and there's no escaping it: 1) accept the fact that this friend will be in the situation (and maybe even give him a taste of his own medicine) or 2) move on. While both choices really kind of SUCK, it's really all that's going to happen because I will not ask/tell Billy to stop being friends with anyone, ever... and Billy's not going to. Soooo.


While my friend did help me see this, this person also said that Billy's friend had good right to be mad at me because I took some of Billy's time away from his friends. This is ridiculous. ANY relationship will take time away from friends! Not in a bad way, it is simply because the time is redistributed. Billy wasn't ever FORCED to be with me, or to talk to me or call me or anything of this. He made his own decisions. sure we spent a lot of time together, but it was never one-sided. As far as I am aware of, we BOTH wanted to be with each other when we were together. And because this friend had a problem with it? Not my fault, he should have said something as far as I'm concerned and we could have dealt with it then. I'm sure he's quite happy now that he's got Billy all to himself. Hah.

I, on the other hand, have completely justifiable reasons for being mad at Billy's friend. No I'm not going to list them (there's too many) but like i said: shown disrespect to me (with no provocation or motive), been rude to (again, no provocation), has taken advantage of me multiple times (no, not sexually).

SO! If Billy and I decide to get together, I am going to learn to deal with the asshole he calls his friend. No, I will NEVER like this person or have respect for this person, but if I want to be with Billy I may have to deal with it.

That was my little rant. I think I'm done. :)

My Stupid Heart

Thoughts In Short

I think in similes and metaphors, though I can hardly ever spell 'similes' right the first time I write it.

I'm sick of trying! I have tried and tried constantly and I feel it's unfair you are asking me to try more. I shouldn't be trying, HE should be the one making the effort!

I know you would pick your best friend over me. It makes me question my worth to you, since your best friend is a disrespectful asshole.

One of my close friends wants me to come up and visit him in Santa Barbara.
That's far, I don't know about that.

I need a new job- I love the work environment of Hollister... but I don't get enough hours and it just doesn't pay enough.
I don't know if it's really worth it.

I can't believe he would ask me about moving into that house that WE were going to move into. Ugh.

People don't care. They are not respectful and they are not aware of what they say and do to people.
I wish people cared, cause I do.

I am sick of going the extra mile for people who won't do the same for me.
Especially for people who don't deserve it.

Songs I'm listening to lately:
'Unfair' by Josh Kelley
'What'cha Got 2 Lose' by Blake Lewis
'The Kill' by 30 Seconds To Mars

and more. But I can't think of them.

Oh and I really like my new nail color.

That's all for today.

Update!

Wow. It has been so very long since I last posted here. So much has changed, so I'm going to try to sum it all up as quickly as possible so we can get to the NOW.

-Alex and I broke up.
-I started dating Billy a week later.
-I just recently (three days ago) broke up with Billy.

Some other things that have changed that don't have to do with my love life are...

-I'm attending College of the Desert.
-I'm working at Hollister Co.
-I'm working on my New Year's Resolutions (lose weight, gain a life).